The past few weeks I’ve been in my head a lot more than usual. I don’t really know how to describe what that means unless you get that way too, but I’ll try. When I “get in my head” that usually means for me that I overthink every word said to me, every situation, every. little. thing. I’m a sensitive person by my own admission, but during those times I get so hyper-sensitive I even annoy myself. I’ll assume the worst case-scenario for everything going in my life and get very narrowed in and unable to see the big picture. I’ll feel an unrelenting anxiety that I literally feel like my head is going to explode. Negative thoughts, negative emotions, a heightened sense of unstable feelings. Sounds great, right?
It all came to a head when I was in Savannah, GA for the weekend with some friends. I just felt so uneasy about my relationships and what I’m doing and where I’m at in life. I drank too much, and BOOM – panic. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be on the verge of a full blown panic attack hours from home and (trying) to keep it together in front of everyone? I won’t say I handled it well, but after FINALLY getting myself to eat something the next day (popcorn to be exact), I was able to handle the journey back and somewhat collect myself.
I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember, always worrying. If you read my blogs then you know my anxiety spiked drastically with my brothers most recent attempt in November 2015. After his passing, I wondered if my anxiety would just go away – my biggest fear happened…so what else is there to worry about? Cue me feeling like a complete idiot 9 months later. Now I just worry about everyone else that I love deciding they don’t want to be here either. I am struggling so much with my friendships because I’m so insanely terrified that every meaningful relationship I have is just going to abruptly end and leave me heartbroken. I’m SLOOOOOWLY comprehending that just because Andy and I’s relationship ended, the ONE relationship that was supposed to last forever, doesn’t mean that every other meaningful relationship is going to just be snatched away from me as well. It’s so frustrating typing that because I am so aware of how absolutely ridiculous it sounds that everyone I love is just going to stop loving me back and leave me, but I’d be lying if I said those weren’t my thoughts. It happened once – in the most tragic way – what’s stopping it from happening again?
One of the most frustrating things for me right now is knowing and understanding what’s logical but not yet being able to believe it.
Luckily, two days ago I felt myself feeling relief and having more clarity. But then this morning I had a moment. I cried and admitted things to my bestie/roommate that I couldn’t believe I was saying. Selfish, narrowed minded thoughts that I’m ashamed of. But you know what? IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A MOMENT. It was a horrible start to my day, but I let myself feel it, I let myself cry, and then I turned it around. I felt okay. I knew I was going to be okay. Really deep down in my heart and in the depths of my mind I know I am going to be just fine. I will continue to build meaningful relationships and I won’t lose everyone I love. And if I do, then that relationship just wasn’t meant to be.
I give myself little mantras to remember for the day/week/month and this week’s is:
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
Life is not linear, nor is it black and white.
Love who you can,
Love while you can,
And I’m fairly certain life will love you back.
Give yourself a moment, “lean into the suck” as my dad says, and remember that each day is a new chance to find joy.